KOTOR 1 - Confessions

"We need to talk," Revan said, her tone and expression serious.

Revan and Carth Onasi were sitting in the port dormitory on the Ebon Hawk. After Revan and Carth's romantic relationship had blossomed near the end of thir quest to defeat the Sith and save the Republic, the rest of their group had given them exclusive use of this room.

Although the Hawk had only two dormitories, one port and one starboard, this hadn't been as much of an inconvenience to the rest of the group as Revan would have expected. It turned out that most of the group preferred to simply stand in their favorite spot on the ship. In fact, Mission was the only person that Revan had ever seen in the starboard dormitory, and even Mission chose to stand in the center of the room rather than lie down. How any of them got any rest was beyond Revan, but at least this arrangement gave Carth and her some measure of privacy.

"That doesn't sound good," Carth said.

Revan hesitated, feeling an uncharacteristic amount of uncertainty. She usually acted decisively in any situation, trusting her instincts and connection to the Force. A lack of introspection had been critical in her victory as leader of the Republic forces in defeating the Mandalorians. Had she stopped to consider the weight of her actions: defying the Jedi Council, recruiting Jedi to her cause, sacrificing loyal soldiers and even entire worlds as tactical choices, she might have taken a more reserved path, and the Republic might have fallen to the Mandalorians.

That same lack of self-reflection, however, had led her to places darker than she could have imagined. Her boldness had never been rash or ill-considered. Her plans had been complex and multilayered, taking a much longer view than all but a few suspected. But her focus had been on victory to the exclusion of all else, never considering what she was doing to innocent lives, or even to her own soul. That attitude had led her deep into the Dark Side before she even knew she had fallen. By the time she realized, she had no longer cared, instead embracing the Dark Side of the Force as yet another tool, more powerful than any she had previously employed.

Now, though, everything was different. She was restored to the Light Side. With the help of her allies, she had defeated her old apprentice Darth Malak, and enabled the Republic Fleet to destroy the Star Forge, the source of the Sith's power.

Bastila Shan, the Jedi officially in charge of the mission, had joined Jedi Master Vandar on the Republic flagship to give her official report. The remainder of the group had stayed on the Ebon Hawk with Revan, the actual leader of the mission. The Hawk was now en route to Coruscant, where Revan suspected the Jedi Council would have some very pointed questions for her, mostly involving whether she was truly redeemed and could really be trusted. But that would be later. The conversation now in front her was much more personal, and much more intimidating. Revan could handle the Jedi Council, but she'd never been in love before. Or had to admit she had lied to someone she loved.

"It's just ... we talked before the Star Forge about who I am, my past. But there are two more things you need to know. Deserve to know. Everything has been a whirlwind until now, and stopping Malak was the first step in saving the galaxy. It was the most important thing for all of us, more important than even you and me. We didn't even know if we'd both live through it. But we did, and now we have a chance for a real relationship, if you're still interested in that after what I have to say."

"And what is that?" Carth asked, and Revan heard a hint of his old anger, the grief and guilt he'd carried after the death of his wife, the pain of being betrayed by his mentor, Saul Karath, now dead by Carth's own hand. How would he react to Revan's confession?

"Carth, everything I told you about turning my back on my past was true. I honestly am following the Light now. I really do regret all the harm I caused."

"There's a 'but' coming, isn't there?" Carth said, visibly bracing himself. He sat up straight and crossed his arms. "Whatever you have to say, just say it. Get it over with."

Revan took a deep breath and swallowed hard. "I've known who I was since Taris."

"You what?" Carth said, his face growing dark.

"Remember just after we crash landed," Revan said, "and I was in and out of unconsciousness for a few days?"

"You hit your head," Carth said. "That restored your memories?"

"No, the blow to my head was more minor than you thought. My memories had already started to return before we left the Endar Spire. In that time on Taris, when I was mostly unconscious, my mind was rebuilding itself. You see, there's a Sith technique for protecting one's identity-"

"You were using Sith sorcery on Taris? When you were acting like we were working together against the Sith?"

"No, it isn't like that. This is something I did before Taris, when I was still Darth Revan, long before Bastila's team attacked my flagship. I had ... well, I'l get to that part, but my mind had already been taken from me once before, and I was determined it wouldn't happen again. So I researched ancient techniques, and prepared myself against exactly the kind of thing the Jedi Council did to me. It wasn't really them I was protecting myself against, though I-"

"So you knew you were Darth Revan, from the moment I met you? And you still pretended to be someone else? All that time? And I had no idea. Were you mocking me? Laughing at me?" Carth stood and took a step backwards.

"Not at all," Revan said, resisting the urge to raise her voice. "Will you give me a chance to explain?"

"This better be good," Carth said, still standing.

"You don't understand is what it is like for a Jedi to fall to the Dark Side. How could you? Most people think it is matter of making good or bad choices, but the effects are amplified because of a Jedi's connection to the Force. I mean, as awful as Saul Karath became, he could have chosen at any time to change, to denounce the Sith, to admit his crimes, ask for forgiveness, and accept the consequences, right?"

"I suppose," Carth said. "Not that he would have, because the consequences would have been at least lifetime imprisonment, and maybe even execution. But in theory, yes, he could have. What does that have to do with Jedi? Or with you?"

"The difference is that, for a Jedi, returning from the Dark Side isn't just about making a choice, not even an unthinkably hard one. Falling in the first place is a choice, usually a series of them. I know that's how it was for me. At each step, I thought I was justified in what I was doing, that I was serving the greater good, but I was deluding myself. In the early stages, I could have made different choices and changed my path. But at some point, I don't even know when, the Dark Side had such a hold on me that ... how can I describe this?"

"Just try," Carth said. "And then tell me what it has to do with you lying to me."

Revan bristled, and again resisted responding in anger. Struggling to keep her voice even, she continued. "The best analogy I can think of is a spice addict. Imagine someone is truly addicted, really hooked, but they decide to quit. No matter how much willpower they have, they're going to find that almost impossible. The drug has taken hold of them, changed them, physically and mentally. Their mind and body cry out for it. Almost no one can overcome that without help, without treatment. But even that doesn't quite describe it. It's like..."

Revan hesitated, searching for the right words. "Go on," Carth encouraged.

"Even a spice addict might have moments of clarity. Times when the drug has worn off, but the full cravings haven't yet hit, when they see what they're doing to themselves, and to those around them. And maybe, in a moment like that, someone could reach them, convince them to get help. But imagine that same spice addict just after they've taken the largest hit of their lives, when the drug is in full effect. Imagine trying to convince them to stop in that moment, when the spice holds them fully in its sway."

"That would be pretty pointless," Carth said.
"Right. And that is what trying to reject the Dark Side by choice is like. It never relaxes. It never lets go. It is more than just a decision. It changes who you are, how you think, how you perceive. It wants to keep its hold on you, and, once it has you, you want it to. I can't imagine the willpower it would take for someone fully in its grasp, to voluntarily relinquish it. Even after I realized that I'd fallen, it wasn't so much I couldn't return to the Light - maybe I could have and maybe I couldn't have - it was that I didn't even want to try. I liked how the Dark Side made me feel and I wanted to hang onto that forever."

"It sounds like at least part of you still wants that," Carth said. "And yet you say you follow the Light Side now. How? If it's that impossible to come back, how can I believe you really did? Especially when you weren't honest with me? And when you say that Sith sorcery had something to do with it."

"What the Sith sorcery did was to seal off my personality, my identity, in a deep part of my mind that even the strongest Force techniques, that all but the most devastating injuries, would be unable to touch. What I was able to save, using that technique, was me. Not Darth me, not Jedi me, but simply me. Then between my injuries and the Jedi Council's attempt to insert their new personality, it broke the Dark Side's hold on me. Imagine our hypothetical spice addict being in an extended coma. Their body would suffer through withdrawls, but would eventually be able to function without the drug. In a similar fashion, the reset I experienced relaxed the Dark Side's grasp on me. Then when I was sufficiently healed, my real self, my hidden one, restored itself on a fresh slate, overwriting the false personality the Jedi had inserted. Yes, I remember what the Dark Side felt like, and still feel it reaching for me. I probably always will. And yes, like a recovered addict, part of me still longs for it. But like our addict in a moment of clarity, I was finally able to make a choice. I grabbed back onto the Light Side with both hands. Once again, for the first time in a very long time, I was myself. It was a gift, Carth. A rare second chance. Few people that fall as far as I did get that opportunity."

"And yet the first thing you did was conceal it from the one person trying to help you, the one person on Taris who was on your side."

"Stop thinking about your own feelings and put yourself in my place for a moment," Revan said, an edge to her voice now. "Do you remember our first conversation on Taris, before we'd even left the apartment for the first time?"

"We talked about the situation, and our options, and decided to try to find Bastila," Carth said.

"You're still thinking about it from your side," Revan said. "Let me tell you what I remember:
- 'It's obvious that Malak's a ruthless tyrant who'll crush anyone that stands in his way ... just like Revan was.'
- 'Darth Revan. Malak's Sith master.'
- 'They formed an army of ex-Republic soldiers and Jedi who had fallen to the Dark Side, with Revan at their head'
- 'Something corrupted them and drew them over to the Dark Side. Or maybe there was something rotten inside them all along.'
- 'It's hard to imagine how someone who used to be a Jedi could become such a monster!'
Those are your words, Carth. Your words. And do you know what? I deserved every one of them, and more."

"I-" Carth began, but Revan cut him off, now speaking more intensely.

"What would you have done, Carth? What would you have done if I had convinced you, on Taris, in that moment, that I was Revan? You were alone. You had no backup, no communications. It was just you and me. You're one of the most accomplished soliders in the Republic and, let's be honest, without the Force I was no physical match for you. Would you have captured me? Then what? Tried to rescue Bastila while keeping me tied up somewhere, and then tried to somehow get me off the planet? I'm the most dangerous person in the galaxy. Would you have really taken the risk of me escaping? Of you being captured or killed and then Sith finding me, and me reclaiming my throne?"

"I-" Carth began again, but Revan again interrupted, her voice continuing to rise.

"I saw how you felt about Saul Karath. Malak gave the order, but he was my apprentice. I put him in the position to do that. You would have given me a pass on your wife's death? You built your life around killing Saul, but you would have risked the person in charge of Saul just walking away? You thought Dustil was dead, Carth! You wouldn't have punished me for killing your son?"

Carth tried to speak again, but this time Revan didn't even let him get a word out, her voice now almost a scream.

"No! You would have killed me, on the spot. And you would have been right to do so!"

"I don't think I would have-"

Revan stood and stepped face-to-face with Carth. "No! How many Sith did you kill in the Sith base on Taris? How many did you kill on our mission to find the Star Maps? How many did you kill on the Star Forge? And those were just underlings. You had, from your point of view, Darth Revan, at your mercy, alone and defenseless. I was a monster! You said so yourself! You demand the truth of me? Well I demand it of you! WHAT WOULD YOU HAVE DONE?"

Carth stared at Revan intently, then dropped his eyes. "I would have killed you."

"Thank you," Revan said, lowering her to a normal tone. "And that's why I lied to you."

"Okay, I understand," Carth said. "You were vulnerable and afraid, and lying to me was your only way to protect yourself. Knowing what I know now, I'm sorry I made you feel that way."

"Close, but not quite," Revan said. "First, you did nothing wrong and you don't need to apologize. With what you knew at the time, killing me would have been the correct course of action. But more importantly, it wasn't me I was afraid for. This is what nobody ever seems to understand about me. I was afraid, yes. But not for myself. I was afraid for the galaxy."

"What do you mean?" Carth asked.

"You - the Republic and the Jedi - had been fighting Malak for awhile after my supposed death, right? How were you doing?"

"Frankly, we were losing," Carth said.

"Exactly," Revan said. "Here's what I knew in that moment on Taris: I was no longer Darth Revan. I wanted to atone for what I'd done, and to stop Malak. It was clear that Republic and the Jedi alone couldn't stop him. I could, though. I knew that because I'd done it before. His jaw didn't fall off on its own, you know. It would take some time for my abilities to return, but I knew they would. I had to live, not for myself, but because the rest of you needed me. I wasn't about me. It was about all of you, the innocent people just trying to live their lives."

"That's ... well, you've proved you mean it. And now that you explain it, what you did makes sense. I guess I still take some things too personally."

"Don't let me off that hook that easy," Revan said. "I was still wrong for not telling you all this before, once we were past all that, and I need to apologize for it."

"You mean after we got off Taris, once we reached Dantooine?"

"No, not then. On Dantooine, and still to this day for that matter, there were gaps in my memory, certain missing details. The exact route to the Star Forge was one of them. Knowing what the Jedi had done to me, though, it was pretty clear what they wanted from me. I could give them that. My goals were their goals. But imagine I'd told anyone that I knew who I was. Would the Jedi Council really have sent me back to the Star Forge? Last time I was there, I built the Sith that were still on the verge of defeating the Republic. I could tell them I'd changed, but would they have taken that chance? You met them. Did they seem like risk takers to you?"

Carth shook his head. "No, they did not. I'll give you that."

"So what else could I have done? Even when they thought their false personality was intact, it was obvious there were divisions in the Council about sending me. They had no other viable option, and everything pointed to the Republic losing to the Sith if they didn't. Despite all that, Vrook almost didn't agree. You and I barely knew each other at that point, and you still didn't really trust me, even though you thought that I was who the Jedi tried to make me. Defeating Malak was too important, I couldn't tell anyone anything. I had to keep the fiction going."

"Then when do you mean?"

"I mean after the Leviathan. After Saul told you who I really was, and both Malak and Bastila confirmed it. When were back on the Ebon Hawk and finally had time to catch our breath. By then, we were in love, even though we hadn't actually said it. I kept lying to you, even outright telling you that I didn't really remember my life as Revan. I should have trusted you, should have told you everything. But I didn't. And for that, I'm sorry. That's what I would understand you not being able to forgive me for. Well, not only that I did it, but why I did it."

Carth thought for a moment. "I'll admit it hurts that you kept lying to me, but I've already overreacted once in this conversation, and I'm trying not to do it again. You have a good reason for everything else. What's your reason for this? Why didn't you tell me the whole truth?"

"It was Mission," Revan said.

"Mission?"

"Yes. Remember what she said, on the Ebon Hawk, after we told everyone that I was Revan? In that moment I could sense everyone's apprehension, the dissention already starting. Everything was about to fall apart just when we were on verge of reaching the Star Forge and stopping Malak. Then you told the group that the Jedi Council had inserted a new personality into me, and Mission asked me if I remembered anything about being the Dark Lord. I realized that Mission was teetering, and if she rejected me, others would follow. So I manipulated her by downplaying it, saying I didn't recall much about being Darth Revan. Then she said 'If you don't really remember anything about being Revan, then it does't really matter anymore. You are who you are now.' I could feel the tension in the room disappear. Everyone in the room accepted me for who they thought I was. Everyone except you. You were still suspicious and concerned, rightfully so, but everyone else argued my case and you grudgingly relented. Do you remember?"

"I do," Carth said. "I wasn't happy about it, but all the others sided with you, and I didn't want to derail all we'd worked for. And yes, I knew I loved you, and I was still struggling to reconcile that with what I'd just learned, and I didn't trust my own emotions at that point. So I went along with it, even though I wasn't happy about it."

"Right. Here's the part you should really be upset about. All that went exactly how I expected to. How I planned it to. Mission gave me an opportunity to turn the conversation in my favor by continuing my lie, and I took it. I didn't become leader of the Republic war effort, or leader of the Sith, without knowing how to read a room and move it the way I want it to go. I fell back on old habits, I made people feel the way I wanted them to. In that moment, you were my main adversary, and I won the fight without striking a blow, by using other people as tools against you. Even though I loved you. No, that's not all of it. It was because I loved you, and I didn't like how it felt for you to know what I really was. It was weak, it was selfish, and it was wrong, but I did it anyway. I should have told everyone everything, just like I'm telling you now. But I didn't. I wanted to save the galaxy, and I wanted to not lose you. I saw an easy way out, and I took it."

"That's ... wow," Carth said. "You still haven't told the others."

"No, but I will, after we're done here. Then when we get to Coruscant, I'll tell everyone, on the public record. I don't have any illusions that the little celebration they threw for us on Lehon is the end of all this. I'll still have to answer to the Jedi Council, and the Senate. I'll be shocked if I'm not put on trial. The Jedi don't execute prisoners, but the Republic might, especially in my case. If that's their decision, I'll accept that outcome. But before any of that, I wanted to tell you all of this, because you deserve to hear it directly from me. I'll tell the other shortly."

Carth looked at the floor and said nothing. They stood in silence for some time.

"I'll give you some space to process this," Revan finally said. "I'll understand, whatever you decide." She stepped around Carth and started to walk out of the dormitory, but Carth caught her hand.

"I don't need any space," Carth said. "Should you have told us? Should you have told me? Yes, you should have. Does it make me question some things, knowing that you manipulated me like that? Yes. But you made a mistake, and you've apologized for it. How can I say I love you, and not forgive you? Goodness knows, I made plenty of mistakes early in our time together, accused you unfairly of all sorts of-"

"Shut up," Revan said with a smile, and kissed him fully on the mouth. They held the kiss for a moment, then embraced, her head resting on his chest. Finally, Revan took a step backward.

"I shouldn't put off telling the others," she said, again turning to leave, but again Carth caught her by the hand.

"Wait a minute," Carth said. "You said we needed to talk about two things. And you said stopping Malak was the 'first step' in saving the galaxy. What have you still not told me?"

"Let me tell you about the True Sith."